Why am I starting this blog on July 4th? That is a great question, since it is a day that has haunted me for many years. Am I doing something “symbolic” and “declaring my freedom”, well I might be. It is true that me and July 4th have had a rocky past, and to be bluntfully honest, I cannot say that much that I am feeling especially patriotic this year. That last comment I probably just lost three-quarters of my newly found audience, but for those that are still there, thanks for reading past that comment…
Now, what is the point of this blog? That is a good question; this blog is being born out of what many of us have started calling “the post-college blues”. I have quickly realized that life is harder than I thought or was promised to me than it is. Because, man, even as an educated man, life is hard. I did the right thing, I went to college about a decade ago, right after high-school and now I am sitting in this early-thirties funk of what the hell am I supposed to do with my life. Here’s the secret though, I really don’t think I am the only one in this.
So, being what society is today, what do I do about this. Well, I guess I take it to the internet and air out all of my bitches and moans to a generally anonymous public that will flog me or praise me (or more likely not even read me) in more anonymity. “Well,” you say, “why don’t you just air out your bitches on Facebook.” Here is the truth of the matter that, Facebook doesn’t give me enough space to air out my issues, plus my family is on Facebook. Could my family find me here, probably, but I would rather not have my grandma read my overall disappointments and bitches in the society that has been created by the generations before me. Now, now, now, I am not blaming those in-front of me, because honestly, besides being unemployed in t-minus 27 days. I live a pretty ok life style, even though it is barley poverty level. I mean, obviously I have a computer that I am typing this on right now. So, things aren’t as bad as they seem, but instead of spending hundreds of dollars on a shrink so I can just rattle babble off, I am going to use you guys for my “post-college blues” analysis. I figure you guys have them too, so I am curious to hear your rantings back to me.
Now, I am no one special. Well, we are all special, but in all honestly I have lead a pretty mediocre life with a few ups and a few downs. I had a really awesome job a decade ago in an industry that no longer exists to the extent it was, have hovered from job to job since then, letting my wife pursue her graduate degrees in a much more promising field. I have had some extraordinary moments, hell I used to be the self-proclaimed “number one underground writer of Detroit,”, but overall I have lived a pretty average life for someone in their early 30s. I have fairly liberal leanings, and have lost a little faith in my country, but continue to plug on. I have two degrees that are both liberal art degrees (even though one used to be considered to be a real degree, aka Journalism), and have realized that I can’t go back 12 years to fix mistakes. My first social network was LiveJournal, and that is why I am returning to personal blogging. Just to throw it out there, just to see what people think.
I am a grandpa hipster hanging on, trying to get through the America that is now before us. I still dwell in obscure pop-culture references and snarkiness in the generation that doesn’t seem to want to grow up, or maybe just isn’t allowed to grow up due to the current economical-social structure of America. I dunno. I’ve racked my brain on that for ages. Regardless, I hope you follow me on my journey and give me some insights to what you are experiencing, because honestly, I think we are all in this together now.
p.s. To show how much I hate the 4th of July, here are some LiveJournal entries from 2001 and 2002 respectfully (horrible spelling and grammar left in on purpose, I was probably drunk)…
“Sunday, July 1st, 2001
10:34a - love me now, because in a year i'll be gone
The past, prestent, and future always messes with my mind. THis is what i was thinking about as i sat in my hometown watching bursts of colour spray across the sky. A year ago at this time , A****a wasn't even a glint in my eye. Now what i wouldn't give just to see her smile at me once more. A year ago at this time i was lonley, much like now, re had just walked out on me a month earlier and i found myself drowning in the helpless game of pool night in and night out, much like right now. THis time next year i will not be repeating this cycle. I refuse. I will be gone. I will have been graduated and working out of this state. i will also finally be grown up and the old me will have died in a sense, which is good because i am ready for the old me to die. Luckily i don't matter right now. People dont have to worry about my problems. they all have their own and honestly i dont have any problems because my old problems were other peoples and i dont have anyone. i just cant beleive how little i have changed in the last 6 to 8 years and looking back at what happenes year in and year out in my life and my cycles that i go through i am exactly the same. only special holidays with bombs bursting in air makes me realize this as i think and think and think. i used to love the carnival downtown. now i hate it. i hate the people there. i hate my past. i hate it with a passion. it sickens me. just like my own soul does right now. i think ill just sleep for about a week and see how i feel. hopefully better. i cant wait for school to start again.
current mood: determined
current music: i hate music”
The past, prestent, and future always messes with my mind. THis is what i was thinking about as i sat in my hometown watching bursts of colour spray across the sky. A year ago at this time , A****a wasn't even a glint in my eye. Now what i wouldn't give just to see her smile at me once more. A year ago at this time i was lonley, much like now, re had just walked out on me a month earlier and i found myself drowning in the helpless game of pool night in and night out, much like right now. THis time next year i will not be repeating this cycle. I refuse. I will be gone. I will have been graduated and working out of this state. i will also finally be grown up and the old me will have died in a sense, which is good because i am ready for the old me to die. Luckily i don't matter right now. People dont have to worry about my problems. they all have their own and honestly i dont have any problems because my old problems were other peoples and i dont have anyone. i just cant beleive how little i have changed in the last 6 to 8 years and looking back at what happenes year in and year out in my life and my cycles that i go through i am exactly the same. only special holidays with bombs bursting in air makes me realize this as i think and think and think. i used to love the carnival downtown. now i hate it. i hate the people there. i hate my past. i hate it with a passion. it sickens me. just like my own soul does right now. i think ill just sleep for about a week and see how i feel. hopefully better. i cant wait for school to start again.
current mood: determined
current music: i hate music”
Friday, July 5th, 2002
12:02a - "...come lay on the couch with me..."
tonight i escapped from my apartment, which doesnt seem to happen very often. I journeyed down to Lansing to watch some fireworks in a park. I do not know why i did this. Maybe looking to recapture some childlike innocenence, or maybe just too see thousands of dollars explode in front of me. Whatever the reason i journied down into a social world. I sat and read while listening to my head phones on the grass near a calm river waiting for the fireworks to being. I ran into Ryan, who had moved here receintly and said hello and talked for a few and then escaped into my own little world. its weird that i ran into him, considering how i met him, and now in a place where i know no one, i run into him at fireworks...odd...anyways...
while watching the fireworks, i relized that this is how the rest of my life probably will be. doing stuff by myself. my lonliness has decreased emencly over the last few months, and ive only had little bouts with it here and there. i guess i am fine with not talking to many of my friends anymore. the person that i have the most contact with out of anyone is someone in pennsylvania that i dont even know what her voice sounds like. weird, i guess i could pick up the phone and call people or come to my parents house, but at the same time, i have things to do. yes i miss them, yes i am lonley at times, but at the same time i am scared of anything remotly like the past. i want to start anew and move on and i feel its starting to work...i'll return when i am needed too...
jesus...
figuring all of this out from watching some colours in the stary sky..
current mood: scared of the spotlight
current music: fiona apple- when the pawn...
tonight i escapped from my apartment, which doesnt seem to happen very often. I journeyed down to Lansing to watch some fireworks in a park. I do not know why i did this. Maybe looking to recapture some childlike innocenence, or maybe just too see thousands of dollars explode in front of me. Whatever the reason i journied down into a social world. I sat and read while listening to my head phones on the grass near a calm river waiting for the fireworks to being. I ran into Ryan, who had moved here receintly and said hello and talked for a few and then escaped into my own little world. its weird that i ran into him, considering how i met him, and now in a place where i know no one, i run into him at fireworks...odd...anyways...
while watching the fireworks, i relized that this is how the rest of my life probably will be. doing stuff by myself. my lonliness has decreased emencly over the last few months, and ive only had little bouts with it here and there. i guess i am fine with not talking to many of my friends anymore. the person that i have the most contact with out of anyone is someone in pennsylvania that i dont even know what her voice sounds like. weird, i guess i could pick up the phone and call people or come to my parents house, but at the same time, i have things to do. yes i miss them, yes i am lonley at times, but at the same time i am scared of anything remotly like the past. i want to start anew and move on and i feel its starting to work...i'll return when i am needed too...
jesus...
figuring all of this out from watching some colours in the stary sky..
current mood: scared of the spotlight
current music: fiona apple- when the pawn...
I vastly prefer this sort of forum to facebook. First of all, you were only allowed so many characters in any post on your "wall". Secondly, I don't necessarily want all the fuckwits on my friends list to have the ability to comment on whatever I post. Which is why I prefer to blog on Tumblr to Blogger, though I have used blogger before. I feel there is more anonymity there too, which I like. I resisted using facebook at all for a variety of reasons up until around april of '09. (most people I know had been on there for much longer.)
ReplyDeleteI like being able to post images and html/css code to personalize shit on there too. I found Blogger to be kind of a pain in the ass in its posting style, but that's just me.
Now that I have only a selected, privvy group of facebookers with links to my blog, I feel like it's both more personal and private, yet still somehow anonymous.
And no, you are not alone in your grandpa hipster status of mid 30's what the fuckery. I feel lucky that I have dodged "grown up" bullets aka responsibilities such as children and a mortgage, and i've had tons of fun. It's interesting though how you did the opposite, "traditional" route, and we still have ended up at the same "wtf" spot around 31 years old. =)